Readers' Letters

Dear Editor,

Hi! My name is Frank. I hate that name but it's all I've got. You can call me Frank but it will piss me off. I heard about the latest mission to Jupiter and wondered if there will be a rescue mission. I would go but I'll be sick that day so I wondered if I could still get a pin saying I went.

Dear Frank,

Your pin is in the mail. The rescue mission has been postponed since everyone called in sick but that's okay, we still have lots of pins.

Dear Editor,

I'm convinced that there's life somewhere in the universe. Since there are no aliens here on Earth, they must be out there on some other planet. We can't see aliens coming because the engines on their spaceships are in the back, pointed way from us, but I know they're coming. I'm worried though, all I have in the kitchen is frozen pizza, do you think they like Italian?

Bernard

Dear Bernard,

The latest projecton from Project Blue Book is that any well equipped interstellar spaceship will have a microwave. We don't yet know if the microwave is a weapon so pizza is probably a good choice

deEr edatUr,

I have been in the 3rd grade fur tu years so i know some things. I have a question. jimmy is in my class and it's only his furst time but the teecher brags on him and gives him gold stars and stuff. So anyway, i have to try really really hard to do long dirision so it takes a realy long time. Jimmy gets done twice as fast. I work hard and get a D and he hardly works at all and gets an A. It isn't fair. If I work harder shouldn't I get credit for all the effort? Can yu help?

Timmy

Dear Timmy,

You should be grateful that you don't understand how little you understand. If you knew the extent of your inadequacy, you would feel bad. While Jimmy's getting his PhD in astrophysics doing boring stuff you'll never grasp, you'll be doing easy things. While he's eating cold food in a cold observatory, you be all snug in your parent's basement eating hot mac-n-cheese. You do like mac-n-cheese don't you? Always remember, only smart people have to prove themselves.

Dear Editor,

Is it true that the moon is hollow? I've heard it's a base for extra-terestrials, maybe even a kind of Death Star like from Star Wars. This might explain why the lunar missions were all fake, you know, to keep from annoying the ETs. I think this also explains why there's no tides here in Arizona where I have my bunker.

A Concerned Citizen

Dear C. Citizen

Please don't repeat your suspicions to anyone in the government.

Mr. Edtior,

My name is Lulu and I live in the hills of Wyoming. There are only about 120 people anywhere nearby so earning money is a real problem. I recently had a breast enlargement and now I need to have the other one done. I look fine from one side so I'm only half as happy as I hope to be. Would you ask your readers to send contributions to my Breast Enlargement Fund c/o Lulu LeBelle POB 36.5 Green Frog Tavern, WY 98756? Also, do you think I can still dance with my clothes on?

Lulu XXXX

Dear Miss Lulu

Stripping with your clothes on works best when no one's watching, see if you can get the morning shift. I forwarded your request to the local American Legion since the very mention of breast (either one) always excites interest.

Dear Editor,

When I was mere tad, I wanted to be someone else so I became a laundrymat attendant. I really like finding intimate things like socks and old t-shirts. Sometimes I find money but mostly lots of lint. I spent all the money but I kept the lint and old socks and started to roll it all up in a ball. I think it can be seen from space but if it is, will it attract the wrong kind of attention? What should I do?

Abner Frenel

Dear Mr. Frenel

Your ball of lint sounds disgusting but we support your right to offend your neighbors. However, it will surely attract a cruise missle so your neighbors really don't matter much anyway.